Sexy, sleeping giant

Dear diary (what I'll refer to as DD so as not to sound like a total 10yr.old),

DD,

The world is calling and I want to be a part of some of the noise.

Ironically, I have to have total silence when I write, but it's something about being around all the sights, sounds, and muses of life that gives me true inspiration for writing stories. It's telling the tales of my life and those around me that has always been a deep passion of mine. Ever since I was a little girl, just 9 years old, I can remember inspiring just myself at the time, through writing. I had a floral, blue diary where I would let everything in my head and in my heart loose. And being a little fashionista in the making…I commonly wrote down what my outfits for the week were or would be. Brown pants with a white turtleneck on Wednesday. The black & pink windbreaker outfit for the weekend. My fave pink jeans with my blue Minnie & Mickey shirt on Friday. Outfit disasters? Yes. Ugh…lol...if the fashion police could have taken a little girl to jail.

Anyhoo, I never really thought words would become such an instrumental tool in my life. I hadn't discovered the power of them yet. At the time, all I knew is that when I put letters that turned into words that turned into feelings on paper it made me more powerful. If I was sad…I felt surprisingly better. If I was angry...it kept me from hitting anyone. A victim of childhood emotional and sexual abuse, I commonly felt a stinging hole in my chest…a void…that hurt…a lot. Writing helped me deal with that pain. I wrote constantly in my bunk bed and then hid it under the mattress so my two sisters couldn't pull it out and read it (although that was the FIRST place my younger sister looked and I constantly had to look for new hiding places.)

But all that was 15 years ago. In about one month it will be a new year. 2010. My year to be great or give up. And I DON'T give up. At least not without a good argument in cute heels and skinny jeans, at the least. I mean, a girl has to at least battle for what she wants. And call me 'color purple' but I've had to fight all my life for what I wanted. I'm not about to let my dream go now. Although I must admit it's been slightly resting in the back of my mind and heart for a while now.

That is until I read this article entitled Sleeping Giant on socialmediasistas.com. Today I signed up to be a writer for the site and came across the short, inspirational piece. It talks about the internal conflict of the 'appearances' of black women living the good life and the internal struggle within us, poking at us…telling us while we put on our heels and do our makeup and our hair and go smile at men, work like a slave for our bosses, laugh with our girlfriends, birth our babies…that we're not really living the good life God set for us to have. The author, Tangie, calls this conflict a sleeping giant. It's a giant dying to be awoken.

Women who are gifted & beautiful and talented, like myself, who feel they have a higher purpose or call, have for whatever reason not made real moves on that calling. And, yes, many of us are college graduates. But we're stuck in dead-end relationships, dead-end jobs, dead-end situations…clueless as to how to get from where we are to where we think we should be. The article just called to my spirit. The extraordinary Jewell hidden inside me filled with a life of personal, financial, and spiritual fulfillment, grace and peace has been hidden behind the nice, just okay, sorta laid-back, cool Jewell. But, I refuse to settle for anything less than what God has set in place for me. I refuse to accept that I will not finish and publish novels…and write songs…and motivational pieces, and articles and just live a life filled with words. The little girl inside of me would be so disappointed if I gave up now. She struggled too hard to get me here. So, YES, I refuse to accept that I will not have financial freedom. Not have a luxury car, a big house,…*takes deep breath*…never have a fabulous pair of authentic, Italian red-soled high heels in MY walk-in closet(my heart breaks to even think it.) I refuse to accept that I will never become happily married and have a family.

Hell, I refuse to accept that I won't continue to blog about all the things I refuse to accept for my life.

I know the world is ready to read my novels. I know the world has been waiting for my blog. I know the world is ready for me.

I'm ready too….

Xoxoxo,

Jewell